I have just finished a short interview for Polish website, Santa Sangre Magazine. As Polish looks like schizophrenic scrabble and my Wakelish conforms to no known vocabulary it seems a venture doomed to lead to embarrassing faux pas or even war between our historic nations.
It is a little known fact that agreement was about to be struck regarding the Falklands until my recent interview with Junta website. Now as we know, all bets are off. I have even offered to play to the troops. Theirs not ours, I hasten to add. If I can crush their morale before they even board ship, it’s game over.
After sending my tissue of half-truths and ego massaging to the gullible Poles I made my usual mistake of perusing my “friends” Facebook updates. I’m a forgiving cove but I do wonder about the worrying number of them who post Press TV, and Russia Today missives and are also friends with Troy Southgate. Still, there are many rooms to my asylum and no shortage of patients to fill them, or so it seems. But if one of you could please ask him to remove me from his mailing list, I would be most grateful. It will save him a stamp which I’m sure can be put to better service in this weeks great cause/ book release, and save me a few pence with British Monomarks. On a more serious note I am informed by my loud wife the earth shattering news that via Facebook she discovered her and a loud Italian singer friend both had crushes on Adam ant when they were younger. Dear Mark Zuckerberg, if we ever meet I may do you harm.

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